Look Mommy, it's raining flowers!

“Is it snowing outside?” “No Pam, it’s not snowing.” I looked down at her lying in the hospital bed as she rolled her eyes at me like I had just said the craziest thing she had ever heard. The habit of rolling her eyes was about the only thing that reminded me that this helpless, frail figure, wrenching in pain, was still my sister. She was only 39 years old, "Why God, why are you allowing this to happen?" was all I could think.

My sister Pam was born on April 22, 1963, in the Baptist Hospital in Knoxville, TN. Our mother named her Pamela after a beautiful girl that she once knew from when she was in school. Her middle name, Marie, was after our father's Aunt Marie. I was not born yet, and wouldn't be for another 3 years.

Pam was a very smart girl even from the time she was a baby. She could actually talk when she was 6 months old. She saw her first winter snow when she was 18 months old and, looking out the window, she promptly stated, "Look Mommy, it's raining flowers!" By her second Christmas, she could recite the poem, "Twas the Night Before Christmas." From a very early age, she had a great passion for reading books, which continued her whole life. Pam was also a gifted piano player. She took lessons from our Aunt Barbara, and from a lady named Janice Hickman. Pam played the piano for the Gibbs choir and chorus. She was a straight-A student in school and upon graduation, she was offered scholarships to both Carson Newman College and Belmont College, neither of which she accepted. Pam chose to get married to her high school sweetheart instead.

Pam accepted Christ when she was young and she spent her whole life serving Him in some form or fashion. She was a faithful church-goer and she played the piano for services. She had an amazing alto voice. She could dip down low and smooth or sing up high or even falsetto. Her range could be matched by no one. She sang with some other ladies in her church and they called themselves the New Hope Trio. They had a wonderful blend and even made professional recordings.

I don't think Pam ever realized her full potential. She had so many talents. Talents that most people can only dream of. She could type over 160 words per minute on the keyboard and even started her own medical transcribing company. I never ever heard Pam say one boastful thing about herself, yet she praised others continuously. She always told me that I could be a famous singer or songwriter, but in reality, she had more talent than me five times over. She was often depressed for reasons only known to her. She often struggled with losing weight and I think that it contributed a lot to her bad moods.

Pam and I always had a great relationship as siblings. We played well together and concocted all sorts of games and things to do. One thing that I remember the most is when we would pretend to be our older cousins. She pretended to be our cousin, Judy, and I pretended to be Judy's brother, Jerry. We would ride around on our bikes and say, "Oh, excuse me, Judy," and "Jerry, watch where you're going on that bicycle!" Crazy stuff that wouldn't mean a hill of beans to anyone but me and her. We used to do silly stuff like stuffing our mouths full of saltine crackers, crunching them up and then blowing the crumbs at each other. Sometimes, we would have our differences and fight like cats and dogs, but we never stayed mad at each other for very long.

As we grew older, we often sang together. She would play the piano and sing like Tammy Wynnette, and I would sing like George Jones. We would sing their big hits like, "Golden Ring," and "Two-Story House." Any time that we had family get-togthers, people would beg us to be George & Tammy. We also sang with our parents and our younger sister, Jennifer. At one point, all of us, along with my wife, Mary, were accepting invitations to sing at different churches. We sounded really good together. Sadly, Jennifer got married and she and her husband, Jon, moved to North Carolina, ending our little family group.

Pam and her husband, Michael, were married for 18 years. They had two children, Daniel and Amy. Both children inherited traits from both of their parents, however, Amy sometimes acts just like Pam did.

As I am writing this story, it is early in the fall, September 28th. This time of year has a different meaning to me now than it used to. It was in October of 2001 when Pam first became sick. My parents had the whole family over at their house for a cookout. The leaves from the huge oak tree out in my parents front yard were scattered all over the ground. I was busy raking them up into a huge pile for the kids to play in. Everyone was having a great time that day. It was cool outside. We had an open fire burning and Dad was roasting hot dogs over it. Mom was serving up steaming bowls of chili and hot chocolate. The kids were all playing and having a good time, but Pam was just sitting down watching. I walked up to her and said, "What's the matter Pam?" She looked up at me and said, "I just don't feel too good." "Oh, come on," I said, "get up and drink some hot chocolate or something." "I might try some later," she said. We were all immediately concerned about her because she always loved get-togethers and had the best time at them. She ended up leaving early.

The next day, Pam was delivering some transcription tapes to her customers and got really sick. She couldn't even walk. She had to call Michael to come and pick her up. Pam visited the doctor and had some tests ran. The test results were not good. Pam's blood counts were way off. It turned out that she had Leukemia. We were all shocked! How could this be? We didn't know anyone that had ever had Leukemia. She was only 38 years old. The doctors came up with a plan for treatment. They would try chemotherapy and medicines to try to combat the cancerous blood cells. Pam was in and out of treatments for the next 6 months. She lived a hellish life during that time. She could not eat and lost nearly half of her body weight. All of her hair fell out from the chemotherapy and she would wear different types of hats. At one point, she bought a wig and wore it some.

The treatments worked long enough for Pam to go Vanderbilt hospital for a bone marrow transplant. A match was found for her and it looked like she might win the battle after all. The transplant was hard on her. She developed Graft-vs-Host disease. This is when the newly transplanted bone marrow attacks the host, causing all manner of complications. These complications were extreme in Pam and she spent several months in the hospital. Finally, she was allowed to return home with the hopes that she would be able to make a recovery. We were not able to celebrate, as the cancerous blood cells returned within a few weeks. Pam spent her last days in horrible pain.

At this time, I was in the middle of finals at college. I was having to devote so much time to my studies in order to move on to the next semester. I was working full time and going to school full time. It was rough and I wasn't able to visit Pam very much. I should have made the time. I should have put off college for a semester or two, but I didn't. I suppose I didn't really believe that she wouldn't beat the cancer. I thought I would have more time.

It was in December of 2002, Pam wanted to have a Christmas party at her house with lots of family and friends around. Uncles, aunts, and cousins all gathered at her house for the party. I had been sick and was afraid of being around Pam. I dropped by for just a few minutes. Folks were laughing and talking and eating, but Pam was sitting on the couch, leaned back with a pained look on her face. I talked to her for a few minutes and then told her I was going to leave. She said, "Just stay." I said, "Nah, I better get going." She said, "Tell Mary and the kids I said hi." "OK, Pam, I will. I'll see you later." Little did I know that it would be my last conversation with her.

I had been up until 2:30 am studying for an Accounting final. I had just gone to bed and had been asleep for about 30 minutes, when the telephone startled me awake. I sprang out of bed disoriented, ran through the house and fell in the floor. I jumped back up and grabbed the phone. My mother was on the other end of the line. "Byron, it's not good. They've taken Pam to the emergency room. You need to come." I threw the phone down, ran into the bathroom, splashed myself with water, got dressed and headed out the door. When I arrived at the emergency room, it was like I was walking in a dream. I saw my family standing around. People were whispering. My mother came out to get me and lead me into the back of the emergency room. There lay my big sister. She was lifeless. I looked at my parents. They looked like they had aged 100 years overnight. A doctor walked up and began explaining Pam's last few moments on earth. He was so matter-of-fact, yet he actually showed compassion. As I stood over Pam's body, my mind ran through the last 36 years that I had spent with her. I felt sick to my stomach. I just wanted to die.

In the past five years since Pam's death, there has not been a single day that has gone by that I haven't thought of her in some way. I am forever tortured with regrets of not spending more time with her in her final days. Oh, if I could just turn back the hands of time and be able to do things differently, I would do it in a heartbeat.

We are walking in the Leukemia Walk again this year. It is coming up next Thursday night. I know that there is no amount of money or walking that anyone could ever do that will bring Pam back, but maybe we are helping in some small way. I know that she is now shielded from the sin of this world that we live in and she can't see or hear me, but I can't help but want to believe that she knows how I feel and she understands.

If you would like to take a few hours out of your time and walk with us this Thursday at Volunteer Landing, then please just follow this link for details. If you are interested in making a donation to the Tennessee Chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, then please visit the link below for our donation page which is in memory of Pam. http://www.active.com/donate/ltnNashvi/teamchesney