My 10 dying demands

With the recent deaths of a couple of church members, I've been thinking a lot lately about the end of life. Hopefully the Lord will return and call His church away before I die, but if He doesn't then I want to make sure that I'm prepared. So, I've been mulling through my mind of just exactly how I would like my funeral to go. Not trying to be morbid here but hey, you only die once so why not plan it out the way you want it? Without further adieu...

1. My funeral and receiving friends must be in my church, presently that is Highland Baptist but if the Lord sees fit to guide me elsewhere, then I want it in whichever church I belong to at the time. If that is not possible, then find another Baptist church that will allow it. Just don't have my funeral service or receiving friends in a funeral home. Don't make the funeral on a Wednesday or Sunday that way nobody will have any excuses for laying out of church. Also, don't cancel any church services on my behalf.

2. I want a regular church service as my funeral. Just pretend it is a Sunday morning and folks are coming to worship. I want congregational singing, a choir, special music, fellowship, and especially preaching and an altar call. I will just happen to be lying dead in a casket at the altar but never mind me, just go about the Lord's business. Make sure my family is seated on the front row. I'd really like for there to be an "AMEN" section of men on one of the front rows too.

3. The preaching: The preacher must be a hell-fire and brimstone preacher with his intentions set to share the Gospel and see souls saved. Get someone that can preach a hot sermon out of the King James Bible. My brother-in-law, Jon White, would be a good one if he's able and willing to. Just don't get no limp-wristed, panty-waist, phoney-Bible reading preachers allowed. I don't want there to be any question by anyone attending about what the preacher is talking about. I want hell to be described so strongly that even the deacons will be sweating by the time it's over. I mean lay it on them hot and heavy. If anyone seems offended by this, feel free to tell them that I requested it to be that way and then ask them if they know Jesus as their Savior. Make sure and read Romans 3:23, 5:8, 6:23, 10:9-13, and Revelation 3:20 before the sermon is over with. Don't waste any time talking about me. If the people attending don't know about me by that time, there's no reason for them to try and get to know me at my funeral.

4. The singing: I want old-fashioned singing. A few of the congregational/choir songs I would like to be sung are: Just A Little Talk With Jesus, I've Never Been Sorry, Love Lifted Me, Thank God I Am Free, and Saved to the Uttermost. For special singing: Just get any quartet, or trio to sing 2 or 3 songs of their choice. Tell them not to worry about messing up because that don't matter to me seeing as how I won't be there to hear it anyways and nobody else counts since it's my funeral. For the Altar call song I want "Lord I'm Coming Home." Speaking of the Altar call, make it a long drawn out one. If no one comes forward on the first verse, make everyone close their eyes and raise their hands if they aren't saved. If anyone raises their hand, ask them to come to the altar afterward. If someone happens to get saved, make everyone come around and shake their hand and make sure you get them a King James Bible before the week is out.

5. My funeral card: Just print up a bunch of church bulletins with the information in it. Don't waste money on the funeral home cards. If you have any left over you can make paper airplanes out of them and throw them around the parking lot. Just make sure somebody picks them up out of the parking lot before the next church service. You can tell my son, Matthew, that daddy said to make sure the parking lot is clean.

6. Bible Tracts: I want everyone in attendance to leave the service with a Bible tract. Most likely I will have a stash of them somewhere that you can use for this. The one that I prefer is the one written by John Rice, called; What Must I Do To Be Saved? You can order these from the Sword of the Lord and they will deliver them in about 2-days. These are currently the ones that I order to pass out and to supply the church with. Have the preacher mention that I would like everyone to give the tract out to someone in the next week or so after the funeral.

7. My clothes: I want to be buried in the nicest suit that I own. I just bought 3 new ones this year so if it happens soon, put me in the dark blue pinstriped one with a white shirt. If it's later, if the dark blue pinstriped one still fits and ain't too worn out, go ahead and use it, otherwise just pick the nicest one that will button around my belly.

8. What to tell people: If I die of a heart attack, please tell everyone that I said it was my own fault for eating like a pig my entire life and that I knew better. Tell them that I died happy. If I die of some other reason, tell them that I said, "see there, I told you I didn't need to worry about what I was eating," but still tell them that I died happy. Tell everyone that I'm sorry if I offended or disappointed them in any way. I'm sure it wasn't intentional and that I was only human. Tell the church members that I really appreciate everything they have ever done for me such as attending choir practice, volunteering for Vacation Bible School, or anything else I expected people to do for the Lord. Tell my family that I love them more than they could possibly ever dream of and that I'm proud of them and will be waiting for them in Heaven. Tell them that if I don't greet them at the Pearly Gates, not to worry, I'm probably off somewhere singing or talking to Jesus, or the Apostle Paul and John the Baptist.

9. At the graveside: Please have someone lead the song, What A Day That Will Be, and have everyone in attendance sing along. Have the preacher read John 14:15-21 out of the King James. It's up to him if he wants to expound on it or say anything further. If anyone looks irritated because it is taking too long, tell them that I said they could go ahead and leave.

10. I should have put this first but anyways... I want to be buried, I don't believe in cremation. Don't waste a bunch of money on some fancy casket. A pine box is fine with me, just get whatever is cheapest. You can get somebody to make one out of scrap lumber for all I care. Also don't spend a bunch of money on the tombstone, a big rock is fine with me. Make sure they engrave my name right, it is spelled BYRON. Seriously, watch for that because 9 out of 10 people will spell it wrong even if you write it out for them.

So, there you have it. Those are my wishes for when I die. I'm being serious, this is NOT a joke. You can print this out and use it for the arrangements.