October blues...

It has happened every October since 2001, I get depressed. I'm reminded every year that it was the month of October when my sister Pam was diagnosed with Leukemia. The whole family had gathered together for a cookout at my parents house and Pam was not acting right. She wasn't hungry and didn't want anything to eat. If you knew Pam you know that was very unusual. She said she just wasn't feeling good. I replay that night over and over in my head all the time. A part of me wishes that I could forget about it but another part of me wants to cling to the memory of the last time I saw Pam before we knew she had Leukemia.

For the first few months I just didn't want to believe it. I figured it was not going to be a big deal because doctors and medicine was so advanced that they would probably fix her up in no time and she would be back to her normal self. Boy, was I wrong. Pam never was the same again. In and out of hospitals, sick all the time, weight loss, hair loss, everything just happened so quickly. All I wanted to do was remember my big sister the way I always knew her but it just wasn't possible.

Like I said in THIS post, I have lived with regrets of not spending enough time with Pam when I was able to. I wish I had the power to roll back time and change things but I can't. So, I deal with my grief, depression, and tears the best that I can every October and try to remember her the way she was when times were good.