Always on my mind

Yesterday officially marked one month since my dad passed away. I can tell you without a doubt there hasn't been an hour that has went by that I've not thought of him in some way. Some days are harder than others. Yesterday my son and I drove to Pigeon Forge in dad's old Dodge truck. We went to some of his favorite places; Bass Pro Shops, the Tool Outlet, the Boot Store, but I could not make myself go into the Knife Works. It was just too painful to think about.

I am torn between wanting to remember and wanting to forget. I want to remember all of the good things about dad and the great memories I have, but I would really love to forget that final month of his life that was so tragic. Sadly, it is the latter that seem to haunt me the most.

This morning as I was taking a shower my mind kept going back to dad's final week of life. One of the things that he wanted to do was to take a shower. My mom had to explain to him that we just were not able to get him in the shower, that it was too dangerous for him and us to try and lift him over the bathtub. Instead, mom would have to give him sponge baths in the bed. I kept thinking how horrible it would be to realize that you would never be able to take a shower again. Just a simple little thing that we get up and do every day that we take for granted, yet when it is taken away from you it suddenly becomes a very large thing in your life. It is thoughts and memories such as this that bother me the most.

This past week while I was on my lunch break at work, I was sitting in dad's truck going through his CD's that he loved to listen to. I suddenly wondered what was the last thing that he played when he drove the truck? I pushed the button on the CD player and beautiful guitar music began pouring out of the speakers. I haven't yet been able to make myself eject that CD, I just keep playing it over and over as I drive thinking about my dad driving to the lake listening to it.

I know this post is rather long but it is really for me anyways since nobody really reads my blog anymore. But, one more thing I want to mention is that for a week my son and I had planned on going to Cherokee Lake on Good Friday so we could fish together. It was going to be sort of a tribute to dad. Unfortunately it rained really hard on Thursday night which turned the lake banks into pure mud, so we did not go fishing. We went shopping in Pigeon Forge instead. But, I am determined to spend more time with my son because I realize now how short our lives are and how easy it is to neglect the things you should pay attention to. You really don't know what you've got until it's gone.